Correct Use of Poles - Policing Agency

Outdoor folk will be interested in legislation that was introduced with effect from 00:001 hours this morning.

This new legislation, covering the use of walking poles was brought in with nine aims:-

1.   To build on the success of the Police Community Officer Support scheme, introduced several years ago.

2.   To provide employment for former government employees, made redundant by recent cuts.

3.   To improve the health and safety of pole users and those within the potential collateral damage radius in the event of a malfunction.

4.   To ensure that poles are constructed from recyclable materials, and that no animals are killed, injured or traumatised during their manufacture.  In the event that it becomes necessary to kill any animals, they are to be despatched in accordance with the protocols of the main religion pertaining at that time.

5.   To comply with all relevant EU legislation.

6.   To ensure that poles are used only in appropriate circumstances; use on flat ground and/or tarmacked surfaces, indoors or in such a way as to cause offence to other inhabitants of the UK (this may exclude Scotland (TBC) are all specifically forbidden.

7.   To ensure that, except in exceptional cases, individual users carry no more than two poles at any one time.

8.   To ensure that all appropriate printed matter clearly differentiates between walking poles and individuals from any of our fellow EU members (who may be walking, strolling or otherwise perambulating), by the use of an initial capital.

9.   To police the issuing of licences to any individual who seeks to own more than four poles, i.e. the ownership of one set of poles, plus a spare does not require a licence to be held.

Additional information supplied with this press release:- to lessen the chances of undercover officers being identified by members of the public they will be equipped with camouflage clothing, but hi-viz jackets will be worn over the uniform, or, in the case of a suspected terrorist incident (note that terrorists are not usually drawn from the Polish community) hi-viz jackets are to be worn under the uniform.

In recognition of the nature of the new agency and of the likely previous employment history of the majority of its recruits, it will be referred to by the mnemonic  'CUPPA'.